He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
