I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
