Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
