I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
