This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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