I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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