I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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