ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
