The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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