Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
