Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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