The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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