Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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