Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
