I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
