I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
