i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
