Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
