i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
