i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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