I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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