someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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