please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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