im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
