never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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