yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
