Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
