He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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