I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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