Soap is not a condiment
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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