Please, let me fuck your mom
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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