mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
