I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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