My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
