hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Randomize
