Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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