The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
