Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
