i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
