Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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