conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
