I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
