u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
