hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
