Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
