wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
