i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
