I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
