I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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