And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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