I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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