I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Randomize
