We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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