eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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