I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
