too bad you live with your parents still
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
