wakey wakey hands off snakey
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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