I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
