Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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