We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
